


Are You a Pusher Or Are You a Puller? I Pull The Weight Towards Me.

by freerebelion



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Baked Goods, Blink and you'll miss it reference to harry/nick, Happy go lucky harry, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, guarded zayn, minor implied lilo sorry, radio station AU, zarry fic exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:49:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2447585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freerebelion/pseuds/freerebelion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Radio station AU. Harry is the new, eager intern responsible for getting coffee and doing everyone's bitchwork and Zayn is in his second year of working the late night show (12am-2am). Zayn refuses to warm up to Harry. Harry works harder to become Zayn's friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are You a Pusher Or Are You a Puller? I Pull The Weight Towards Me.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ceaseandexist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceaseandexist/gifts).



> I tried, I hope you like it, sorry if it's complete crap.  
> Title from Alt-J's "Pusher".

       Harry Styles was ridiculous in all sense of the word. At least in Zayn’s mind he was. The first time he had met the boy, it had been 12:30am with smoke filling up the studio, dulling the bright red light of the “on air” sign. Harry had stumbled in, all lanky legs, eager eyes and hair that was meant to be tugged and pulled. Zayn didn't feel the need to acknowledge the clumsy boy's presence. As the crooning voice of the Weeknd ended and commercials started, the boy spoke up.   “Uh I brought you some coffee. I dunno what kind you liked so I just got you a mocha, hope s’alright” He seemed confused as the words fell out of his mouth.  Zayn just shot him an unimpressed look. Harry took it as a sign of appreciation and pulled up a chair, crowding the small room and consequently, Zayn’s personal space. Everything about the lad just yelled willing and naive.   

“So um I’m Harry by the way. I’m the new intern this year so uh if you need anything just ask.”  

Zayn hummed, ignoring the boy hoping that Harry would get the hint and leave him alone. This was his block dammit. 12 to 2 in the morning were his to smoke, play music and chill all he wanted, alone. He didn’t need the oblivious new freshmen intern interrupting his Zayn time. 

"So what kind of music do you usually play? I'm an indie fan myself. Not the pretentious kind. At least I hope not. I mean Grimmy approved so..." 

Oh so that's how he got the job. A fuck and doe eyes. Zayn just snorted a turned back to the microphone.

  "Wasshappin' listeners? This is the night owl block with dj Malik. This next one is So Sick and it goes out to people who know when to leave. Enjoy."

He knew he was being harsh but the kid just didn't get it. He didn't look back when he heard the door quietly shut after a few seconds. Finally.

  ~*~ 

"Why do you have to be such a dick sometimes Z?"

Louis always had a way of getting straight to the point.  "

Whaddu mean?” Zayn groaned out tried and semi conscious from his bed.

It was around 3pm but he refused to feel guilty about sleeping in on Saturdays. 

"The styles kid was mopping about all morning. Said something about offending you in some way? And I thought to myself, what a load of bullshit! Zayn never has a good reason to act like an absolute knob." 

"Shut up Louis. God you're worse than my mum. The kid was being annoyin so I asked him to leave. "

“I don’t care just fix it. He’s being pathetic and it’s getting on my nerves. He gave me my fucking tea with sugar in it! SUGAR.”

Zayn just groaned and rolled over in his sloppy bed.

~*~

        Zayn knew that he was doing exactly the opposite of what Louis asked but he couldn’t help it. They just happened to never be in the same place at the same time. Well that wasn’t true; there were multiple occasions where they were together but the encounters were only as long as the time it took Zayn to make a bogus excuse. He tried once but that didn’t work out too well.

_It was only a couple days after he had met Harry. Zayn had just put on Pretty Wings when he felt a tap on the shoulder. Zayn spun around quickly, forgetting that he had headphones on, which resulted in a painful jerking motion that sent in tumbling to the ground. The person behind him giggled. Zayn was furious._

_“FUCK. The FUCK DO YOU WANT YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”_

_“Here’s your coffee.”Harry mumbled fearfully, which paired with the fact that his face was practically buried in sweater, made him look absolutely not cute in any way._

_Shit, he needed to apologize to the kid and he just went and called him a piece of shit. Zayn’s “Sorry, thank you” was practically inaudible but the curly headed boy lit up. Progress, Progress. Was that blush? The fuck?_

_“Here, Imadeyouacupcake.” Harry rambled as he stuffed the confection into the shorter boy’s hands._

_Really? Is this kid joking? He actually bakes? He actually baked Zayn food? Why the fuck did Harry out of all people bake him sweets? Zayn didn’t even think before the words were out of his mouth._

_“Shit kid, are you dim or something?”_

_Harry’s eyes widened at the insult. Before Zayn could try to apologize, the younger boy was already out the door._

        The fact was that Zayn didn’t like any sort of confrontation. He especially didn’t like confrontation with Harry. Zayn didn’t like the fact that it made him vulnerable and made him sound stupid and ridiculous and it just wasn’t necessary. Harry just had to suck it up and just leave Zayn alone. The day proceeding Zayn’s failed attempt to apologize, Zayn walked in to the studio to find a sticky bun and tea on his desk along with a note: Sorry, I didn’t know you didn’t like cupcakes. I made sticky buns instead this time. Oh I also asked Louis how you like your drink. Hope you don’t mind. Sorry for giving you coffee these past few days. Zayn groaned. Was this kid trying to make him feel guilty? Because it wasn’t working, Zayn ate his pastry and savored his cup of perfectly made tea with only a couple thoughts of Harry popping into his head.

~*~

      Since Harry had started bringing in pastry for Zayn, it was like he thought they were friends or something. Zayn didn't know how to tell the kid that yes, he didn't absolutely abhor the younger boy's presence but that didn't mean he wanted to communicate in anyway with him. Just the other day Zayn was minding his own business, heading back to his dorm after class when he heard Harry call out for him. He kept on walking pretending he couldn't hear the hollering over the new Jay-Z album his roommate, Liam, had suggested. 

"Zayn!ZAYN! ZAY-" 

He turned around just as a hard body knocked him to the ground. 

"Oops sorry Zayn I am soo sorry. I was just wondering if you could tell me that song that you played last night? The one that went a little like-"He stopped to hmm a bit of. 

     With his head throbbing, all Zayn wanted to do was just to fucking kick and punch the obnoxious little brat on top of him. That was the moment when he became aware of the gangly freshmen that was currently completely enveloping him in some sort of weird buffoon mating ritual. Zayn tried not to appear flustered as he noticed every single part of his body that was in contact with Harry's. Zayn didn't like physical contact either. Harry, on the other hand, seemed to have no problem with straddling the older boy in public. Zayn nimbly detached himself from Harry and without even muttering a word, ran back to his room... With dignity.

~*~

      Zayn had times when he just had a killer playlist for the night and the music felt like it was seeping into his bones and playing inside him. This was one of those times. Pretty Wings was transitioning out while a naughty boy song was starting up and Zayn was pleasantly stoned. When Harry walked in looking a bit disheveled, it was as if Zayn was detached from reality. He saw the younger boy walk in and he could hear the words that were being spoken at him but it was if he were in a dream watching it all from a removed space. Zayn was so caught up in his little smoke filled dream world he didn’t actually understand that Harry was in fact very, very drunk and on the floor, snuggled up to Zayn’s feet. The dark haired boy snorted. He looked like a kitten. Zayn wondered if Harry would start purring if he ran his fingers through his curly hair.

“This is Zen andddd you’re listening to Harry Styles the intern. Purring like the crazy cat he iss. Oh god haha he’s transforming right before my eyes! Are those cat ears? Here’s the next song before the boy starts asking for milk!”   

     Harry only looks up at him with his big green eye, flicks his tongue out and innocently licks the back of his hand like a cat. Everything after that only came back in bits and pieces, mostly laughter and Harry’s green eyes. If Zayn snuck out of the recording station at 3am leaving Harry there dozing over the soundboard, well no one needed to know.

~*~

      After that night, Harry became a regular visitor during Zayn's radio block. At first he had been way too friendly. Zayn got uncomfortable and abrasive when people were too cuddly. So when Harry had just about plopped himself on Zayns lap in the middle of a news run, the shorter boy practically had a heart attack. He refused to talk to the curly haired lad for the rest of the night. He forgave Harry the next day when he showed up with home made cookies. Slowly by slowly, through bad puns, superhero doodles (Harry was majoring in art) and endless baked goods, Zayn became more and more comfortable with Harry.Though he still didn't consider Harry a friend. His Liam was his friend, Louis was his best friend but Harry didn't feel like a friend. He was a special kind of person to Zayn, but not a friend. The green eyes boy didn't make him feel like a friend. He was Harry and that was all that mattered so Zayn didn't dwell on it.

      There came times in the year where the most stereotypical thing would happen. Zayn would get homesick. And not the kind of homesick a quick Skype with the fam could fix but a deep longing for mums cooking and the smell of his sheets at home after laundry day and the bruises his crazy sisters would leave after tackling him to the ground. He didn't want to go out and see unfamiliar and unwelcoming strangers. He wanted to curl up in bed and eat shitty curry from the sad excuse for an Indian restaurant across the street. Unfortunately he had a radio show to host so with a lot of encouragement and puppy dog eyes from Liam, he managed to detach himself from his dorm and head over the the studio. Harry was there bright and blushing and wonderful as usual but Zayn didn't want to deal with him today. He passed by with no acknowledgment of the younger boys prescence. Harry was smart and kept quiet throughout the entirety of the show. The radio block was coming to an end and Zayn was in a ridiculous mood. Harry had kept quiet the whole time, no goofy puns, no ridiculous stories. Nothing to even make him crack a smile. He didn't even fucking try to cheer Zayn up. He ripped the headphones off as dramatically as he could without damaging the expense equipment and stalked put of the studio. Harry patiently followed after the shorter boy, leaving enough space in between them so that Zayn could breathe. Zayn suddenly spun around with a nasty scowl.

"What the fuck do you want styles? Gonna be all happy and quirky and shit? Well Fuck you okay! Life isn't always headbands and banana nut muffins! It's really fucking annoying! You're not special! I'm not special! Nobody's special so why do we teach people like they are?! Why?" Zayn rambled and rambled until he was silently crying into his sweatshirt.

      The younger boy knew Zayn wasn't in a good place the minute he walked into the studio that morning so he wasn't very surprised at the outburst. Zayn tended to lash out at people to protect himself. Harry gently wrapped him arm around one of Zayn’s shaking shoulders and another under his knees as he hoisted the small lad into his arms. The trek to Harry's dorm wasn't far but he still left out a sigh of relief when he finally put Zayn down on his couch. After getting some blankets for the crying boy, Harry headed to his room, hoping that they hadn’t woken up his roommate Niall. They slept until morning but when both of them where awake, Harry went right down to the heart of the problem.

"Zayn?"

"Yeah Haz?"

"What's the real reason you've been down these past couple of days?"

 Zayn suddenly became fascinated with his sweater.

"Zayn, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong"

"Who said I wanted help?" He countered childishly. For such a cool facade that Zayn put on, he was just a little moody toodler.

"Zaynnn" Harry whined in retaliation.

Zayn blindly swatted at him with his face still burried in his sweatshirt.

"Your gonna laugh at me"

"No I won't I promise."

"... I miss home. I miss my mum and home cooking and my sisters. I miss them so much."

Harry wrapped his gangly arms around Zayn in comfort.

"We'll we can't do anything about you seeing your fam until winter break buuttt, we can bring a little bit of home to you."

"Really?"

"Yeah we can make some samosas and chicken curry."

"We can just go to the ind-"

"That Indian food is garbage. Home cooked meal is what we're going to make."

      The next couple hours were spent dancing around the kitchen, laughing, throwing flour and attempting to make something at least a little bit edible. Zayn was officially kicked out of the kitchen when he dropped half a dozen eggs on the floor, which was fine by him. He was totally content watching the curly haired freshman zipping back and forth, wiggling his hips to the spice girls while handling freshly baked samosas.

“Thank you so much Haz. Seriously this is so great.” Zayn praised when everything was cooked and cleaned.

They were cuddled up on the couch watching Peter Pan and Zayn had never felt so comfortable.

“No probs Z. I just want you to be happy you know?” Harry nuzzled into Zayn’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry for busting out at you last night. I’m jus-“

“Hey no it’s alright, I understand, it’s really tough being away from your family. I feel the same way all the time. You just got you remember that you’ve got family here at uni as well.”

“I guess.”

“Zayn you just gotta let people in. You can be really bitchy sometimes.”

"Oh fuck off.” He groaned.

Harry got an evil look on his face and attacked the shorter boy tickling him and rolling around off the couch and onto the floor.

“Stop! STOP STOP! Haz st-“

Harry was staring at him with intense look in his eyes and quickly smashed his lips against Zayn’s. All he could think was “what the fuck is going on?” but he kissed back, unable to sort out his brain and his body. He kissed back because in that moment there were no consequences, just the press of soft lips against his.

“uh.. Wow” Harry breathed out with a grin when they broke apart.

“Haz, the hell just happened?”

“Uh well, we kissed, and um I really enjoyed it? And I think you did too?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Zayn needed to sort out his head. The consequences were coming back to him. This is not what he planned. He needed to go home and sleep and think and preferably have a couple drinks. He needed to get out of Harry’s house. He headed towards the door not really paying attention to Harry’s pleads for him to stay and talk.

“ZAYN! WAIT!” Harry grabbed his arm.

“Let me go Harry!”

“Zayn wait I jus-“

“NO HARRY! I’VE BEEN MADE FUN OF ALL MY LIFE FOR BEING DIFFERENT. FIRST IT WAS BECAUSE OF SKIN, THEN IT WAS FOR MY TATTOOS. I DON’T NEED PEOPLE CALLING ME A FAGGOT TOO OKAY?!”

~*~

       Zayn came into the studio looking like an absolute wreck, as he had been for the past week. He had always ignored that part of him. He bullied it down to nothing as if it wasn’t a part of him. Now he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t keep ignoring it, he had fucking kissed Harry and actually liked it. The fuck was he thinking? The stupid freshman boy that he had met that first night wasn’t the boy he knew now. He was kind and patient and goofy and just ruining everything. He hated Harry. Zayn was lying to himself. He didn’t hate Harry; he hated what Harry did to him. He brought out the worst part of him. He dumped his body into the chair and put on his headphones to start his shift.

“Hey it’s Zayn and you’re listening to the night owl block. We’re taking request right now because I’m feeling like shit and I’m too lazy to pick songs. So call in if you have a song you wanna hear.”

“Uh hello?”

“Yeah hi, what song?”

“Uh-“

Zayn froze. Of course Harry would call in.

“Can you play Retrograde by James Blake?”

“Yeah sure.”

He tried to ignore the choice of song, but he knew what Harry was trying to do. Fuck everything. He was so done with that curly haired boy.

~*~

“Zayn.” Louis’ voice was too reproachful for Zayn to be comfortable.

“Wassup Lou?”

“What if I told you I was gay?”

“Babe, it’s not exactly a secret, I mean I hear you guys plenty of times when you sleepover.”

“That’s not the point! You don’t judge me right?”

“No why would I?”

“I don’t know! But I don’t know why you’re so afraid of admitting your queer!”

Zayn immediately stiffened. This is not the conversation he wanted to have with his best friend.

“Who the fuck told you?” If Harry had told him there would be hell to pay.

“You were fucking sobbing Harry over and over last night. I could hear you through the fucking walls Zayn. And it’s not like he’s been getting me pastry with my tea every morning like he used to."

“What does that even mean?”

“It doesn’t matter. Zayn, I know people have been shitheads to you. But sexuality isn’t a choice. You’re going to hurt yourself so much more than any of those ignorant assholes will if you keep on hating yourself for what you are. You need to just realize that you are loved because you’re you. And nothing will change that, not your parents being Pakistani, not your tattoos not your stupid smoking habit and especially your sexuality.”

“I just don’t want people to look at me differently. Like I’m some sort of freak.”

“You’re not any different that’s the thing! You don’t have to go on the roof and scream out to the whole uni that you’re a gay ass loving homo but just stop lying to yourself bro. You love who you love, embrace it, because I hate seeing you like this.”

It took a minute for Zayn to digest what Louis just told him.

“Shit Lou.”

“Yeah it’s strange isn’t it? Just admitting it to yourself.”

“Shit Lou. What do I do?”

“You go find the curly haired fuck you dipshit.”

“Now?”

“YES NOW! GO!”

~*~

      Harry was getting some aspirin for Grimmy since he had been complaining about his hangover all through his breakfast show. He was a bit of a diva if Harry was going to be honest but Grimmy got him his internship so he wasn’t complaining. He walked into the booth and handed the grad student some pills and water.

“So lovely listeners, it’s 9:15 so that means you all can call in, dedicate songs or just chat with little ole me.”

“Hello is there a caller?”

“Yeah hi Grims, It’ Zayn.”

“Ah Zayn! How are you bro?”

“Eh not so good man. There’s this g- this person that who is just really wonderful yeah? He- fuck it, he is just wonderful and kind and ridiculous. But I fucked up. I’m- I was so afraid to be myself because I’ve always been judged yeah? And I just pushed him away so many times. Shit I just hope he’s listening. Just can you play Let Me Love You?”

“Sure thing Z! Congrats on coming to terms with yourself, it’s always a hard thing to do but there’s plenty of people around here who support you so good luck with wooing your boy!”

Harry stood beside Grimshaw in shock. Did that actually just happen? He started to bloom with warmth in his chest. Did Zayn just? He prompted headed outside, intending to head straight for Zayn’s dorm but spotted the older boy walking towards the studio. Harry waited, barely breathing, for Zayn to reach him. When he finally did, the shorter boy looked down at his feet, shy and unsure of himself.

“Hey…”

“Yes?”

“Were you listening to Grim’s show?”

Harry couldn’t help himself; he giggled at the pun.

“What?!”

“It’s just that its Grimshaw.. and it’s Grim’s show?”

“Harryyy.”

“Sorry, right you’re trying to be romantic I forgot. Yes, I was listening.”

“Oh. Well-“

Zayn peeked up at Harry who had a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Fuck it.” Zayn blurted out as he grabbed Harry’s face and pulled it down to meet his.

They kissed and kissed until Louis came by and cheekily told them Zayn’s dorm would be off limits. They just laughed at the Doncaster lad and walked back to Harry’s hand in hand, smiling and laughing and overall not giving a shit about anyone else’s opinions.


End file.
